ameliar: (Default)
Sam showed me Jekyll yesterday. I got excited about its child builder Hugo. This morning I woke up early - figured it all out - made my website. Then I tried to push it to github and NOTHING. I think it needs to be compiled or something... but the idea of a compilation to create a website is comical to me. Why the hell would I go through the trouble of making these stupid text files that feed into the site through templates if at the end of it all - the whole thing is converted to HTML. like what? why not start with the html... I'm already good at templates and separating - I don't need a fucking service to do it for me. Anyway - the documentation says I need to run a hugo command and hugo depends on go and go depends on git... all these fucking dependencies. I'm sick of it. I'm going to just trash the whole thing and go back to my vanilla html.

Sam is still asleep. He probably didn't get to bed until 2 or 3. I woke up to the drunk people outside in the square. Must have been bar closing time and he wasn't in bed yet - he was probably at his computer doing all of the important things that he "never has time for because he's always caring for me". Now he doesn't want to go to church. I should've just gone by myself - but I don't like the looks people give me. Plus... there's the small matter of me not being able to talk to anyone because of my shyness.

I wish I hadn't just wasted my morning on this Hugo / Jekyll crap. I have no idea what Sam sees in it.


-- Update -- I installed hugo and was able to push the site to github. VERY upset that documentation is 100% crap. I think I should rewrite... no one should have to go though as much pain as I did.
ameliar: (Default)
I'm very frustrated today. I'm learning how to create a web app, but there are so many puzzle pieces to construct. react create app and ruby on rails make it easy to get up and running, but connecting those back to the html/css/etc etc etc is tedious and tiresome. I've had a headache all day - not because of this, but because I became dehydrated after breakfast. My friends and I caught a roller derby tournament but with an hour and a half round trip commute to the bouts, I wasn't home until 3pm. Between bouts, I took my friends to a restaurant near work, but it was disconcerting because it reminded me of work. Its laid back coastal style reminded me of the way it's never very coastal here. As they say in Game of Thrones - "Winter is Coming." All summer I've been obsessing about the lack of time... I've been counting down in my head. I've been thinking - dear God it's already mid July - I haven't gone swimming yet. It feels as though I haven't gone swimming in years. Each season is never long enough. This past winter, I never went skiing. It's painful. Now I could miss out on swimming for another year. It's painful. Sam doesn't understand these things. Different activities bring him joy. Not swimming, not skiing, not making music or art. It's painful. I wonder about the things that DO bring him joy. I can't think of any. I don't know what he needs. Am I ignoring things about him the same way he ignores my yearning for water, snow, musical and artistic companionship? I think I would classify myself as an extremely shy extrovert. I love to go out - to experience. However, I can't stand to be alone and I can't stand to ask someone to join me. Everyone seems a stranger to me. The problem with people is that they expect to make small talk and I'm extremely bad at this. I tried today while I was at the roller derby. Mostly everything I said felt very square. I felt uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed. The only reason I was even there was because I at least had the courage to ask "hey does anyone want to go with me?" so maybe I just need to do more of that or else maybe just do things by myself.
ameliar: (Default)
I dont have a pet, so today when I got home from the auto place (it was only an $80 fix) and after I'd cleaned the house, I took my plant off of the window sill and sat it next to me on my desk. I toughed the leaves and marveled at all its green growth. I was hoping I'd be able to smell the plant but I couldn't. I don't know what type of plant it is. It's in a little 3 inch pot. I grew it from a packet of wildflower seeds (I think there were at least a dozen types so I have no idea. I suppose I could look it up though.


-------GOOGLING--------

gives up.

broken car

Feb. 3rd, 2017 09:04 pm
ameliar: (Default)
the car is broken. I am so anxious for no reason!!!! I go to the shop in the morning.

they do their job.
I hand them a plastic card.
i drive home happy.

there is zero reason for me to be having some sort of panic attack. I am fine. I am totally fine. What could I be worried about? it will be too expensive? well yes... But chances are that it won't be more than 500 dollars... so get over it Amelia. you aren't going to break the bank. what if they need the car on Monday because they cant fix it tomorrow? ummmmyou brought your laptop home with you sooooo work from home stupid... but what if it so expensive I can't afford to take my business trip.... talk to your boss and have the trip charged directly to the company card... she already told you that this is an option.... but what if we need to buy a new car? you can do it. call dad and he'll walk you through how to do it. call conor and he'll walk you through... heck he'll probably drive you to a place. and... you just googled it YES, you can trade in a broken car. so really there is nothing to worry about. NOTHING. stop worrying that something like this will ruin your life.

I HATE CAR PROBLEMS... we have had car trouble just about every single month of the entire year. 2016 and 2017... I am sick of it. totally sick of it.

Sam says I need to face my anxiety and just write about it rather than trying to ignore the problem or forget about it through escapism like tv or yoga.

I just want to scream at my 17 year old car and say "LISTEN YOU... I HATE THAT YOURE BROKEN ALL THE TIME!!!!!"

oh my gosh... 17 years... we should just get a new car. but we have no money and paying money every month sounds like hell.

i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.

I want to move to the city where no one has cars and no one has car problems because they dont have cars... I can just take the metro everywhere. walk. taxi. bus. whatever. probably save the environment. I hate driving 45 minutes to get to work every day. I hate it.

I hate having a car that I can't trust. I hate not being able to trust something. I've trusted a lot of things my whole life. I am like the queen of trust... and then this... I feel like I've reached my last straw. maybe this years tax refund should buy a car. like seriously... I'm so sick of this.
ameliar: (Default)
I've been keeping very busy lately and I've been much happier than usual. I enjoy work and school and lately I've been using this neat app called lingvist to practice my Russian reading writing and vocab.

Today my boss asked me to visit the Chicago office next week so I'll have to take my very first business trip. I'll be gone 2 nights and ill miss Sam so much. I'm going to meet with our devopers and site architect. It's funny because right now our art director is complaining about him but I think he's fabulous. Truthfully I'd much rather work on his team.

School is slow going. I love it but I can't reply concentrate when Sam is moody and puts on loud radio and radiates negative energy. In a spiritual or emotional sense he stinks like dirt. I wish I knew how to clean him so that he could soak in sunshine and radiate positively, but I have no idea.

In general I follow a rule in which I treat him with greater care I. In the hope that he will bloom, but I dont think he's bloomed in while. His leaves are browned and his soil dry.

I don't usually talk about Sam as if he's a plant but I just wish he would smile and enjoy life.

Last night we went out with friends and the whole time he complained that it was late and didn't even bother to make polite conversation. Its concerning. Its like he just wants to hide in his own world. He barely talks to me anymore. Mostly just plays online games. I want him to see someone who could help but he's too anxious to set an appointment. I'm to respectful of his dignity to set one for him.

I haven't been sleeping well, but the amount of energy Ive had for the past few weeks is amazing. I've stopped craving quite as much sugar as usual, but I do crave kombucha. Mmmm...

112716

Nov. 27th, 2016 09:24 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Well we just got back from thanksgiving weekend with my parents. It wil be nice to sleep in our own bed again. I'll miss my family a lot though. While we were there, we talked a little about starting a business and moving back in with my parents while we do it. I've already written a lot of the business plan for this idea, but I think I want to really give it my all this winter and try to finish the plan. We could really do something real. :)

First I need to make sure I'm all set with my final project for school. I came up with a new idea today. I think I'll make a website about the no man's sky plants. The new update was released today and it just seems like a pretty neat idea. Sam outright laughed at me and looked embarrassed that I liked the game so much, but the most successful websites are created for niche markets like for example super fans of a video game. :P

Tomorrow is another day at work. I'll need to finish up the project that I was hoping would've been complete on wednesday. However, the supervisors never decided on a clear direction for me to take the web design for the checkout portion. It's very frustrating to have so many hands in the bucket. cooks in the kitchen... whatever. I hope I have some peace and quiet to work on it all day.

The house is really cold today. Sam turned on the space heater and the actual furnace is set to something like 60 I think. I'm not sure. so together they make the house a chilly 65

112016

Nov. 20th, 2016 09:58 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today was ok. We stayed home and did homework. Also played a lot of video games. Ate mac and cheese and vegetarian chicken nuggets. I'm not ready for Monday. At work, I just cant stop thinking about school. I wanted to get a start on the final project but the data I wanted to use just doesnt exist in any useable format. It is frustrating.

I am looking forward to a short thanksgiving work week, but the downside is that I have a ton of work to do on the new website. I cannot wait until March when the site is live and I get to see it in action for the first time and everyone will say nice things to me like "wow, what a great design Amelia" "That new site looks really sharp" "Sales have boosted so much, we cant believe it, must be that new design"... however, in the meantime its just me at my desk for 8 hours straight dragging image elements into a photoshop doc and carefully arranging it to match the wireframes. It's exhausting.

I'm also kind of annoyed that Sam has so much anxiety about visiting the post office. So much that I'll have to come home early to mail the Christmas package. Apparently one time some postal worker scared him. :(

It's so late, but I really dont want to go to sleep because then Monday comes and I have to sit in that stupid desk. I do have a laptop, but i'd rather have double desktop to give me like a solid 50 inches of screen. LOL

Yesterday was fun. We had friendsgiving and watched Harry Potter 6 with them all. Ate chocolate. Good chocolate from aldi.

So I played no mans sky today. I'm actually really close to leveling out - on more than half my abilities I've maxed out the stars they give out. I really hope that they update that game soon. I hear they have a lot of neat stuff planned for it.

Sam moved his desk into the living room. it's kind of nice to have him in here with me. before he used to go into the other room and it made me feel really lonely.

080316

Aug. 3rd, 2016 06:46 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Good Things:

Sam cleaned the house.
I decided to use Jody's template so work should be a little faster and she'll get what she wants.
Another of the plants is blooming.
I'm getting a SIM card soon!
More bookshelves tonight!!!
I've done russian, lynda, yoga, journal, dishes.... wow! I'm so productive!
I will get paid soon!
A week of vacation means a week that we can save money.
I will need to buy new shoes for the wedding!
We got a coupon for $14 off oil change YAY!

080116

Aug. 1st, 2016 10:40 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Its 1040PM. Sam is playing a game on his computer. I think he plays to escape. He's been really drained and discouraged. Being unemployed has made him weary and hopeless.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading back to the office like everyday. I've been really drained and discouraged in the workplace. Being employed has made me weary and hopeless.

We might grocery shop tomorrow. Maybe not. Money has been so tight.

072616

Jul. 26th, 2016 06:39 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Good things:

Jody complimented my hard work on the new website.
Extra hours = extra cash
Sam remembered to bake me french fries
Sam is hanging out with me today
Sam is being really cute
The car has enough gas to last the week
I'm officially all set and paid to attend class in the fall
4 day week! 3 day weekend!
Vacation + Going out to eat + I dont have to pay for it.

071916

Jul. 19th, 2016 08:56 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Feeling really tired. It was a long day. Best day I've had at the company, so it's funny to think about tomorrow. I hope it's pretty good too. I think tomorrow is a cookout, so I won't need to bring a lunch. Although, their food is really not good at all, and I always feel like cattle when we're shuffled through the long lines for the free food. :/ meh.

It's difficult when I think about all the things I want to save up money for. It's sometimes hard to put it into order of which things I should save for first. I mean there are obvious things like save for emergency medical or emergency car repairs, but then there are other things like:

Moving expenses
Clothes
House (someday)
Another Car
Laptop
Piano
Furniture

Anyway, things get really complicated when I throw in the factor of paying off loans and the massive chunk that I'm investing into my 5 yr graduate school plan. The idea is that with that grad certificate or degree and Sam's certificate or associates, we'll be able to double our earning potential and grow our finances like a tree. A money tree. We're planting a money tree with money seed.

When I think about grad school and my goal of working at google or some other inspiring place, I get really worried that I'll fail, but then I remember my career mantra. It's this:







Of course, I'm already privileged, but I don't know it's kinda funny that no matter how far up or down you are on the food chain, everyone's always trying to get somewhere greener. At this very moment, there's probably someone working at google making $$$$$$ and thinking "oh gee wouldn't it be great to do XYZ?" and that's life I guess.

I'm worried about Sam. Sometimes I think he's trying to do life alone or feels like he has to solve everything himself or be a loner or something. I try to tell him that I'm here for him. I hope he knows that I want to do life together. We're a family now. He shouldn't need to carry the world on his shoulders, I want to help. I guess what I mean is that all this worry about $$$, we'll solve it together. Careers? We'll make our way together. Education? We'll learn together. No one is the winner or loser. We're in this side by side.

7/18/16

Jul. 18th, 2016 05:22 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Sam told me he has an interview with a company for a 2nd shift position. It's hard to hear. I've grown so used to him always being home when I returned from work. It makes me sad to think that he might not be any more. I love him so much. I want him to feel like he can work where ever and do anything, but sometimes I'd rather kidnap him to make sure he's mine forever. Growing up is hard.

071016

Jul. 10th, 2016 08:46 pm
ameliar: (Default)
feeling super super angsty and sick to my stomach because I want to buy a pair of jeans that costs $100 ad I've never spent tht much money on any piece of clothing or even shoes in my entire life. I have only $861 in checking account and we need to save for food and stuff. Last months finances were a total disaster with expenses popping up from car repairs, water bill, passport, loans, rent, etc... it was a lot and we went out to eat so often, we ended up losing $700 (over budget/out of savings). So now I have anxiety that we wont have enough this month either. So I feel especially guilty blowing $100 on a pair of jeans.. but I cant stop looking at them and staring at them and measuring myself and adding it to my cart online and looking for deals that would lower the price, and researching if there are any similar jeans that I could get for less that would still be ethical........ AAAAAAGAAGGAGGAHHHHH I'm about to scream and cry and throw a tantrum because its so stressful... LOL Its just a pair of jeans. :/ but I have jeans-lust in my heart.

oh yeah... FYI,,, these are the new Patagonia straight cut jeans that I'm obsessed with. (plus they come in fancy sizing (waist-inseam) so that I can finally get a 28/30 that would look fabulous on me and also they remind me of my old converse jeans.... I had them my first two years of college, when I fell in love with Sam. I wore those everywhere. Anyway, converse one star jeans dont exist anymore except on ebay and even then, woman's are rare and my size is rarer still. I'm getting really really emotional and hormonal over this and I'm becoming so uneasy about it. I need to buy them, but if I do I need to also NOT FEEL GUILTY.... and the thought of buying them makes me feel sick and guilty already. since...they are SO. EXPENSIVE.

I should just go to a goodwill tomorrow to double check that there isn't anything there that I might love just as much as I love the Patagonia jeans. Then maybe I can rest easy about it all. Maybe God will provide a pair of jeans for me like he provided Abraham a Ram to sacrifice instead of his son. ... yeah.... I'm going crazy.

061416

Jun. 14th, 2016 07:51 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today was an extremely busy day at work. First was the meeting about the blog, then the running meeting, then the department meeting, then the job shadow and finally the email meeting. Surprisingly, I actually did fit in a few work orders here and there too.

Around 1, I got a really bad headache... I still have a little bit of a headache. I'm trying to maintain normality though. I did yoga and practiced Russian. What I should do is practice Chopin's Nocturne in E-Minor. It's on my to-do list.

Ok Bye.

053016

May. 30th, 2016 02:07 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I feel really bored and really angry. This is an attempt to process my feelings because Sam says that's healthy:

I feel...

like I'm not doing enough. not being productive. not learning enough. not taking advantage of my day off for memorial day. like I'm not being happy and positive like I should be.

I'm literally upset because I dont feel happy. UPSET BECAUSE DONT FEEL HAPPY.

I keep trying to say positive things but it doesnt work. I'm confused. Usually it always works and I can fake myself into actually being genuinely happy.

I'm also hungry. I want to eat good food. We went shopping but we didnt get any of my favorite foods. Sort of. I mean we got some, but in general, I'm really bad at feeding myself and it's worse when the fridge is full of stuff that isn't comfort food. I mean I didn't want unhealthy stuff, but now I'm mad I didn't get any unhealthy stuff. So I made myself muffins this morning to substitute for cookies.

They're good, but I want an actual meal with meat. I do have meat. I have pickled herring, which is one of my favorite foods, but I'm not eating it right now, because we don't have any bagels or crackers. I think I should just eat some plain.

I was really really angry last night and this morning and probably while I was sleeping that House and Cutty never get back together. I was so invested emotionally into their fictional relationship. blah... I'm such a loser. <--- see more self-negativity.

I did try to do productive positive things today. I did a calculus lesson and a russian lesson and went outside for a walk and baked muffins and tried my best to make Sam feel loved. I gave him massages and put on makeup and wore a nicer shirt.

Speaking of shirts I'm also hugely upset with my financial situation. I really really really really want new clothes, but I also really really really really want to save money and pay bills and buy good food and be responsible. So I feel guilty even looking at clothes but also guilty that I'm not looking my best for Sam and for my career.

My career is wobbly. I'm tired of my current job. it's boring and my supervisor treats me like a little kid and sometimes I just want to punch her in the nose. I want to move away just for the grass on the other side of the fence, and so that my co-workers will be proud of me. We're all talk and no game, but recently one of us quit and he was greeted with respect. I want to quit too. It sucks not being paid enough and being treated like I dont know what I'm doing.

I want to be in charge of a company. I want to pay off my loans so that I can start a business someday. I feel guilty that I didn't pay more off on my student loans this weekend. I also need to pay for the car insurance too.

I can't wait until I get Magic cards tomorrow/Wednesday. But I wont have anyone to play with. I guess I'll just spend some time looking at what I have and building a deck.

Tonight is bible study. I like bible study but it also makes it so I have to finish everything I want to accomplish before 7pm. So it's a little stressful and takes away the night.

Ok. I'm insanely hungry. I'm going to eat the herring now.

051416

May. 14th, 2016 01:59 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today I feel a lot of anxiety. It's not that I think anything bad will happen today, I just have this irrational dread. I can't do anything because I keep feeling weird. I have to hang out with some girls from my bible study tonight. Normally I like the company, but they'll probably expect that I'm a little more alive and pleasant.

I should probably just force myself to do activities until 5:30 when I need to leave for the event. I should just write out a little schedule and do the things on the list. All I really want to do though is curl up into a tight ball and slip into a nonexistent state of being.

I was trying to update my portfolio, but I just can't. It feels so heavy. I cant think right or write right. I didn't even do my Russian lesson yesterday.... I guess I did it today, but I still feel guilty that I skipped yesterday.

I put on makeup today, and I look really pretty. I also paid rent, and went shopping at Target for some cleaning supplies and veggie burgers. I wanted to buy these really expensive jeans, but I feel guilty dropping 100 bucks on jeans rather than paying back students loans to my mom and dad this month.

050116

May. 1st, 2016 10:02 pm
ameliar: (Default)
This weekend was good. I planted some wildflowers on the window sills and went grocery shopping today. Tomorrow morning I go back to work. It's probably going to be hard to stare at the screen and photoshop things all day but at least it will be a little quieter -- a ton of people are out at the Spring 17 Photo Shoot. It gets a little lonely at work though because I don't really talk to anyone. Mostly I'm bored. Yeah... almost every day at work I'm bored. :/
Someday I want a job that doesn't bore me to death.

04092016

Apr. 9th, 2016 04:06 pm
ameliar: (Default)
I'm not feeling so good. On the one hand, I feel fine - I'm not angry or super sad, but I'm just disappointed in myself. I feel fat, lazy, and worthless today.

I ate french toast with a lot of sugar this morning and since then, I've craved sugar. I had a Kashi bar with 8g sugar, but I'm worried it had caffeine in it. I'm really intolerant, I hope I can sleep tonight.

I do feel tired - it's sort of that blahness that comes from sitting for most of the day. I've had no exercise at all today.

During the week, I kept thinking about getting my goals in order, writing lists and sticky notes, creating charts etc... but I haven't done it.

I wrote a few thoughts about the makerspace business that I want to start, but they're just thoughts.

I used to think of success before thinking of failure, but I've slipped down into negative thoughts. I used to think of myself as a success, but lately, I just can't help but see myself as a failure. It's not because of any job or relationship or stuff. I have plenty of that. I'm successful by normal definitions.

I just think I'm a failure because I'm not pursuing any goal. I'm drifting. I've been drifting for too long. I'm sick of it, but it's grown itself into my day to day life. Now it seems normal to just not work toward anything. There are no grades in life, there's no graduation, there's no rewards ... so I gave up. I just go to work and come home. No purpose. No goals. It's failure.

I need to force rules and goals back into my life, but I keep rejecting my brain. I tell myself "YAY! ENERGY ENERGY!! I wanna to XYZ!!" but then my body is just " ... nope. nope. I'll just watch tv. shut up brain. Let me stay comfortable. "

Stupid body is ruining my life. The decision centers in there that are dictating my every activity need a battery replacement. I mean geez. I much do I want to WANT IT, before I get off my butt and DO IT?!?!?!!!!

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