ameliar: (Default)
[personal profile] ameliar
I'm very frustrated today. I'm learning how to create a web app, but there are so many puzzle pieces to construct. react create app and ruby on rails make it easy to get up and running, but connecting those back to the html/css/etc etc etc is tedious and tiresome. I've had a headache all day - not because of this, but because I became dehydrated after breakfast. My friends and I caught a roller derby tournament but with an hour and a half round trip commute to the bouts, I wasn't home until 3pm. Between bouts, I took my friends to a restaurant near work, but it was disconcerting because it reminded me of work. Its laid back coastal style reminded me of the way it's never very coastal here. As they say in Game of Thrones - "Winter is Coming." All summer I've been obsessing about the lack of time... I've been counting down in my head. I've been thinking - dear God it's already mid July - I haven't gone swimming yet. It feels as though I haven't gone swimming in years. Each season is never long enough. This past winter, I never went skiing. It's painful. Now I could miss out on swimming for another year. It's painful. Sam doesn't understand these things. Different activities bring him joy. Not swimming, not skiing, not making music or art. It's painful. I wonder about the things that DO bring him joy. I can't think of any. I don't know what he needs. Am I ignoring things about him the same way he ignores my yearning for water, snow, musical and artistic companionship? I think I would classify myself as an extremely shy extrovert. I love to go out - to experience. However, I can't stand to be alone and I can't stand to ask someone to join me. Everyone seems a stranger to me. The problem with people is that they expect to make small talk and I'm extremely bad at this. I tried today while I was at the roller derby. Mostly everything I said felt very square. I felt uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed. The only reason I was even there was because I at least had the courage to ask "hey does anyone want to go with me?" so maybe I just need to do more of that or else maybe just do things by myself.
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