04092016

Apr. 9th, 2016 04:06 pm
ameliar: (Default)
[personal profile] ameliar
I'm not feeling so good. On the one hand, I feel fine - I'm not angry or super sad, but I'm just disappointed in myself. I feel fat, lazy, and worthless today.

I ate french toast with a lot of sugar this morning and since then, I've craved sugar. I had a Kashi bar with 8g sugar, but I'm worried it had caffeine in it. I'm really intolerant, I hope I can sleep tonight.

I do feel tired - it's sort of that blahness that comes from sitting for most of the day. I've had no exercise at all today.

During the week, I kept thinking about getting my goals in order, writing lists and sticky notes, creating charts etc... but I haven't done it.

I wrote a few thoughts about the makerspace business that I want to start, but they're just thoughts.

I used to think of success before thinking of failure, but I've slipped down into negative thoughts. I used to think of myself as a success, but lately, I just can't help but see myself as a failure. It's not because of any job or relationship or stuff. I have plenty of that. I'm successful by normal definitions.

I just think I'm a failure because I'm not pursuing any goal. I'm drifting. I've been drifting for too long. I'm sick of it, but it's grown itself into my day to day life. Now it seems normal to just not work toward anything. There are no grades in life, there's no graduation, there's no rewards ... so I gave up. I just go to work and come home. No purpose. No goals. It's failure.

I need to force rules and goals back into my life, but I keep rejecting my brain. I tell myself "YAY! ENERGY ENERGY!! I wanna to XYZ!!" but then my body is just " ... nope. nope. I'll just watch tv. shut up brain. Let me stay comfortable. "

Stupid body is ruining my life. The decision centers in there that are dictating my every activity need a battery replacement. I mean geez. I much do I want to WANT IT, before I get off my butt and DO IT?!?!?!!!!
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