May. 30th, 2016 02:07 pm
ameliar: (Default)
[personal profile] ameliar
Today I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I feel really bored and really angry. This is an attempt to process my feelings because Sam says that's healthy:

I feel...

like I'm not doing enough. not being productive. not learning enough. not taking advantage of my day off for memorial day. like I'm not being happy and positive like I should be.

I'm literally upset because I dont feel happy. UPSET BECAUSE DONT FEEL HAPPY.

I keep trying to say positive things but it doesnt work. I'm confused. Usually it always works and I can fake myself into actually being genuinely happy.

I'm also hungry. I want to eat good food. We went shopping but we didnt get any of my favorite foods. Sort of. I mean we got some, but in general, I'm really bad at feeding myself and it's worse when the fridge is full of stuff that isn't comfort food. I mean I didn't want unhealthy stuff, but now I'm mad I didn't get any unhealthy stuff. So I made myself muffins this morning to substitute for cookies.

They're good, but I want an actual meal with meat. I do have meat. I have pickled herring, which is one of my favorite foods, but I'm not eating it right now, because we don't have any bagels or crackers. I think I should just eat some plain.

I was really really angry last night and this morning and probably while I was sleeping that House and Cutty never get back together. I was so invested emotionally into their fictional relationship. blah... I'm such a loser. <--- see more self-negativity.

I did try to do productive positive things today. I did a calculus lesson and a russian lesson and went outside for a walk and baked muffins and tried my best to make Sam feel loved. I gave him massages and put on makeup and wore a nicer shirt.

Speaking of shirts I'm also hugely upset with my financial situation. I really really really really want new clothes, but I also really really really really want to save money and pay bills and buy good food and be responsible. So I feel guilty even looking at clothes but also guilty that I'm not looking my best for Sam and for my career.

My career is wobbly. I'm tired of my current job. it's boring and my supervisor treats me like a little kid and sometimes I just want to punch her in the nose. I want to move away just for the grass on the other side of the fence, and so that my co-workers will be proud of me. We're all talk and no game, but recently one of us quit and he was greeted with respect. I want to quit too. It sucks not being paid enough and being treated like I dont know what I'm doing.

I want to be in charge of a company. I want to pay off my loans so that I can start a business someday. I feel guilty that I didn't pay more off on my student loans this weekend. I also need to pay for the car insurance too.

I can't wait until I get Magic cards tomorrow/Wednesday. But I wont have anyone to play with. I guess I'll just spend some time looking at what I have and building a deck.

Tonight is bible study. I like bible study but it also makes it so I have to finish everything I want to accomplish before 7pm. So it's a little stressful and takes away the night.

Ok. I'm insanely hungry. I'm going to eat the herring now.
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