The past couple days have been really rough emotionally. Everything seems to be just spilling out at once. Today I played piano. Sam didn't understand what I meant when I said we didn't have a piano and that I'd like to save up for one. He thought, like most people think, that a keyboard is a piano. It has keys. It plays notes. The funny thing is that he probably would be more baffled if he knew that just any old piano isn't a piano to me. It has to sound right. A Piano with a capital P is something more than keys and notes. It's an extension of my body. When I play a keyboard, I have to place my fingers just right and decide what notes to hit. When I play a Piano, my body anticipates the strum of each string, the sustain of the pedal, the non-440 A, the slight differences between the majors, the minor, the lydian, the mixalodian. Chords can be chords and a Piano is not an instrument, but it's just me singing without thought. It's wei wu wei at its most beautiful. I go weeks, months without playing a Piano or even a keyboard. It's like going without speaking. Hearing my own voice. At first it was difficult, but I'm used to it now. It isn't Sam's fault or my own fault. It's not a fault at all, it's just a fact.
I decided not to go to grad school for software engineering. At least not right now. We've decided to apply to other places in the fall. I was anxious about it, but after a long cry and sharing my feelings, I'm ok with it. Really, I am. Other opportunities are waiting for me.