Mar. 30th, 2016 08:18 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Feeling kind of sad today at work. I'm just getting bored with it, and I'm wishing that I were just at some electro-pop-dance concert raving and getting high. Instead I'm just being a responsible adult.

I think that just in general I need to go out more often and do stuff. I mean there's stuff happening every night and I should go out.


Mar. 23rd, 2016 08:15 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Feeling really fidget-y. I'm going crazy for sugar and baked a cake against my better judgement. I'm not one of those people that watches what they eat. Not at all, but I'm also not one of those people that just eats crap and then complains that they're fat.

I just think a little less sugar would make me healthier.

But I'm about to eat cake.

Today I worked from home. It was awful. I hate working from home. It's ridiculous because I am supposed to like it, but I never do. I don't have all my stuff and my extra large monitors and today at least, I didn't even have email access. It was terrible. I'm really hoping that the roads are good tomorrow so that I can put all this negativity behind me and just go to work like normal. At the same time... I would like to not waste an hour and half commuting. I love extra hours in the day to do anything I want.

I'm bored. I should read and get off the computer.


Mar. 19th, 2016 06:59 pm
ameliar: (Default)
I'm mad at myself. I wasn't very nice to Sam today. He showed me this online video about some Finnish TV show and I wasn't polite. I wasn't interested and my disinterest was all over my face and in my long bored sigh.

I feel like I'm just really bad at maintaining politeness in those types of situations. When I'm not interested in things, it's really obvious. Sometimes that's why it's so hard at work because I'll be working on a project I'm not interested in, and it's just really really hard to power through it.

I wish I could just accept things without judging in my mind so quickly.

This is one of the reasons why I don't think anyone likes me. They talk about things and when I'm bored, it shows. All over my face and body language. Then they get offended or think I'm really weird and I end up with no friends.

I guess that makes me kind of a total ass.

I'm really bad at relating to other people or even taking an interest in other people's lives. Sometimes what they're saying is just really boring.

Maybe I really am no better than Trump.


Mar. 13th, 2016 06:26 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Too many cookies this weekend. It's good I had time to just relax, but I still don't feel like I'm ready for Monday.

I'm really grateful for the keyboard sustain pedal Sam got me at the music store. It definitely makes it easier to play piano on that thing. Also I played drums at church and that felt good.

I kinda wish we had cheese. I'm really craving it for some reason. All we have is parmesan. Not my favorite. It's too aged for my taste. I like young soft cheeses. I guess I could drive to the grocery store, but I'm in my pajamas. Actually... I need to go to the grocery anyway because I have no quick-lunchbox-throws for work this week. I should get those little babybel cheeses...mmm... ok I just talked myself into it.

Let me throw on a pair of pants and check my bank account.


Mar. 12th, 2016 02:59 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today's been very good. I got out of the house a little and then played online games with my sister. It's beautiful weather and we've had the windows open. Very nice breeze - gentle and warm.


Mar. 10th, 2016 08:30 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Just read an article or rather saw - it was kind of a photo series of babies being born. Some still covered in their sac. Blue. Wrinkly. Beautiful.

I've been thinking about beautiful drag queens. I was thinking that in an ideal world, we could all be in drag whenever we wanted and no one would ever care who's male or female. I suppose heavens like that I guess. I think every person sees heaven in their own way. A lot of people imagine everyone as they were on earth, but now dressed in white and really nice to everyone all the time. I see it as kind of this mishymashy multi-time-space experience where I'm just in total wonder worship of everything ever created by God. There's no point in whether someone has a penis or not because there's stuff way more interesting to worry about.

So anyway, I need to start investing in my appearance. Kinda sucks because it's so damn expensive - especially for me since I have expensive taste. (Oh psfh. I sound like such a dork.)

But seriously, I get all drooly over clothing that's $$$. Blah.

I skipped out on work today, but I don't really want to talk about it. I made a stupid-ass pot pie too and pretended to do Yoga and mostly spent the day just in a mental panic. Honestly, if I were single, I have no idea if I'd even be like aware of the outside world. Yup, I'd probably be 100% crazy-town.

This weekend there's a sci-fi convention thing. I'm not going. I never go to anything because I'm just too lazy to make the effort. I'm probably too lazy to ever change jobs, go back to school, or invest in my appearance.

"Oh Hi Depression"

"Hey there"

"Yeah...see I thought you were like ...leaving"

"No, I thought I'd hang around and give you some company"

"Why would I..."

"Because you're so lonely and goddamn bored with your life...so I can spice things up with my bag of TOTAL EMPTYNESS AND APATHY"

"Fuck you"

"Dont mind if I do"


Mar. 5th, 2016 10:45 am
ameliar: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot about Women's history and how there's been generations of struggle for women trying to find their place in Men's history or what we've ignorantly shortened to "History". Women's history never seemed important enough to document or else it was paraphrased through the lens of the effect on Men. Everything is able to be shaped and ultimately is twisted and shaped to become's a story about Men.

Women voting becomes a story about how Men's lives are affected. Women giving birth becomes about the continuity of the male ancestry. Women seem to be an after-thought. An entire people that shares the earth and yet has no voice. No voice that Man can recognize at least, because let's not forget that all language and communication must be a Man's communication.

For generations upon generations it has be a Woman's struggle to meet the demands and rules and expectations of a Man's society. Do men bother to learn the language of the women? Rarely. Both sexes ask the question - "What does it mean to be a woman?" or "What does it mean to be a man?"

But here's the catch. Men do not ask it like that - not using the term "man" because they see themselves as the only people on the earth. They ask "what does it mean to be a person/a success/a contribution to society?" Thus equating "man" defined by man into "success/contribution".

Women are therefore forced to ask both questions of themselves, because a women must learn to survive and even thrive in a man's earth. Women follow "success" as defined by man while also following the generations of womanhood as defined by women.

Man never needs to live in more than a "Man's" world and therefore only asks the one question "What does it mean to be a person/success/contribution" without even bothering to notice that this question is defined only by Man and not Woman. In fact Man would rarely if ever ask the question "What does it mean to be a woman?" since in his eyes he would never need to.

And so the mystery of the Woman is become.

A Woman has taken two identities. A Man has taken his own only. In a man's world, it must seem a masquerade - What is a woman but an "Other" wearing a mask? Yes. Man can sense the "otherness" of woman in the very fact that she is forced to put on a false role in the patriarchy. Perhaps the "otherness" is exactly the stem of Man's fear of Woman.

They do not know what lies beneath the mask - as they have never worn a mask themselves.


Mar. 3rd, 2016 08:52 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Feeling alright today. I wasn't going to go to work tomorrow, but Sam talked me into it. It'll be a long day. Tonight I'm just crocheting and I did a little cooking and cleaning.

I think I need to stop watching the political race... it has me stressed out for no good reason.

I was thinking about my grandma today. I wonder if she would like to play Agricola. Next time I visit, I should bring the game and we can play together. It must be really lonely to be old. I hope people visit me when I'm old.

Thank goodness the weekend is coming up so soon. I need to get a good nights sleep and be able to lounge around in my pajamas.


Mar. 1st, 2016 05:04 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Before I forget I wanted to write about how mad I am. How disappointing it is what I heard on the radio. Some schools are allowing students to take computer programming as a foreign language or rather instead of.

I love computer programming but it is an art form and a process, not a language. It's not something that is a cultural conversation and a connection between groups of people. It facilitates in many instances, but it just cannot take the place of a language. Learning a language uses different parts of your brain and allows you to step into another pair of shoes.

Programming isn't like that. Apples and Oranges.



Feb. 28th, 2016 04:21 pm
ameliar: (Default)
I'm feeling really sloshy today. (physically sick)

I just spent like a half hour researching a crochet pattern that someone found a picture of. No directions in English, but I did find directions in Japanese.

I like researching. I sometimes want to be a librarian or someone that researches peoples questions all day.

Anyway, I spent a lot of the weekend looking for different job opportunities. I think it's that time of year when I need to watch "Whisper of the Heart" again. Sometimes I want something so much, I forget that it takes time to polish skills and youth is to be cherished as a time of learning. I shouldn't really try to grow up too fast just yet. I have a lot of learning here to do. Even though my job is nothing fancy, that's ok. I'm only a kid still really. :)

I feel better now.


Feb. 23rd, 2016 06:28 am
ameliar: (Default)
Today/Lastnight Sam gifted himself with a week's worth of stress, bodily trauma, and cognitive impairment by pulling an all nighter studying. It's a shame that this will hurt his chances of a good grade on the upcoming test since he was obviously trying so hard to do well.

I just ate a morning bagel. It's sort of lodged in my throat and tastes weird.

Today I have to get to work early to attend unnecessary meeetings and pretend that I like to design things.

Work is for losers. Winners play. I just haven't found my game yet.

I had a dream that an HR lady laughed at my goals and told me I was too young and inexperienced to achieve anything. Stupid dream. I also had a dream about a scary cockroach.


Feb. 21st, 2016 08:00 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today after church we went to a luncheon party with friends. I learned how to crochet! :) I made myself a little bag, which... hm... I think I forgot it in the car. LOL!

Tomorrow night we're hosting a dinner party and then gaming. I made some lentil quinoa stuffed rolls that I'll heat up. They taste crunchy. Also making soup and salad. I'll need to go grocery shopping after work.

Speaking of work, it should be pretty fun. My supervisors out of town, so I'll get a lot of people asking me questions which makes me feel important.


Feb. 19th, 2016 05:28 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today I got a tablet at work so I could draw with a stylus. That will help with the project I'm working on right now. I have to illustrate technical specs of a running shoe and visually break it apart into its components.

I'm super excited that it's finally the weekend. It should be warmer and we're thinking of doing some clothes shopping for Sam. He wants to go drive far away for the best selection and deals, but I'm going to do my best to convince him not to go too far. :)

Tonight when he gets home, we'll play more Agricola!!! :D Also he left me some dinner on the counter - lentils and quinoa. I put it on buttered toast. Delicious!


Feb. 18th, 2016 06:39 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today I am attempting to do everything on my "to do" list. So far I have cooked, cleaned, practiced yoga, and worked on art. Next up is finishing this blog post, practicing Russian, String Bass, Piano, and Coding. Also reading.

I think I'll read "American Gods" since I need something and it's right there on the floor. ha ha... I cleaned dished but not the random stuff on the floor. To be fair, the only stuff on the floor is folded laundry, Sams comic textbook, and that book.

I feel fantastic. Life is very good when I feel like I am making good use of my time. Otherwise I feel like I'm just sinking into a potato person.

Today I got a birthday present from my friend from college. It's a notebook. I feel special because Sam always has his little moleskin and now I have one too. I can keep secrets and ideas and everything fun like that.

Work today was boring as usual but I got fantastic news. My supervisor is going to let us do offsite personal development 2 hours a week on paid time. 1 hour is writing about our goals, strengths, and needs. We can go to the park or coffee shop or farmers market or wherever. The other hour is time to talk to her about how things are going. I really love summer. Work is right next to the water so I like to take lunch breaks in the hot summer outside and look out at the waves and the people in boats. :)

I was thinking about getting a tattoo the other day, but now I'm not so sure. I'm glad I'm not the type of person to rush into things.

Hmmm what else, what else... i dont know. Happy Thursday!


Feb. 14th, 2016 05:49 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Sam bought me Agricola. :D I'm super excited about it. He played it with me too. The easy version. It's amazing. I started reading rules for the more difficult versions too. If you're reading this Sam, thanks again. I love it.

I played bass today. That's twice this week. It's nice. It's good for Sam to hear me too. Sometimes I think he forgets that I had this alternate future lined up for me. I had so much privilege growing up. I took private piano, oboe, bass, and composition lessons for years. I was going to be this great musician and composer. I was ready to major in Music. Wow.

It's so ironic because I really despise other "music major" types. I didn't fit in with the crowd, ultimately I picked my college major because I chose the people that I fit in with the most. That ended up being design. And there were the cute guys in the class and all the free pizza. Well it doesn't matter any more. What's important is that those personalities transferred into co-workers that are pretty neat. Sometimes they're a little too design-geeky for me, but most days they're just nice people. Good grief, I'm not sure what I'd be doing with a music major right now. I suppose I'd be signing contracts with ad agencies similar to design contracts. Huh.

Sometimes it seems like most every path in life leads back to the great pit of consumerism.


Feb. 12th, 2016 09:00 pm
ameliar: (Default)
The past couple days have been really rough emotionally. Everything seems to be just spilling out at once. Today I played piano. Sam didn't understand what I meant when I said we didn't have a piano and that I'd like to save up for one. He thought, like most people think, that a keyboard is a piano. It has keys. It plays notes. The funny thing is that he probably would be more baffled if he knew that just any old piano isn't a piano to me. It has to sound right. A Piano with a capital P is something more than keys and notes. It's an extension of my body. When I play a keyboard, I have to place my fingers just right and decide what notes to hit. When I play a Piano, my body anticipates the strum of each string, the sustain of the pedal, the non-440 A, the slight differences between the majors, the minor, the lydian, the mixalodian. Chords can be chords and a Piano is not an instrument, but it's just me singing without thought. It's wei wu wei at its most beautiful. I go weeks, months without playing a Piano or even a keyboard. It's like going without speaking. Hearing my own voice. At first it was difficult, but I'm used to it now. It isn't Sam's fault or my own fault. It's not a fault at all, it's just a fact.

I decided not to go to grad school for software engineering. At least not right now. We've decided to apply to other places in the fall. I was anxious about it, but after a long cry and sharing my feelings, I'm ok with it. Really, I am. Other opportunities are waiting for me.


Feb. 5th, 2016 07:46 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Work was alright.
I'm feeling better than I have in days. We went out to eat tonight. I had some delicious tilapia. mmmm. Then we went to the comic store and I got "Saga". I need to finish my other books first though. My birthday's coming up soon. This year I remembered to send cards to my mom (who has the same birthday) and my grandma-in-law (who has a birthday the day before mine).

Yesterday I finished my 100th Russian lesson with Mango languages. So... I guess it's time for 101.


Feb. 2nd, 2016 07:01 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Big snow storm so I worked from home. It was pretty boring though. Pretty slow day without any major work orders. I could've devoted some time to research and polishing, but I just wasn't really feeling the design feels.

I ate some unhealthy food for dinner and watched tv after work. I also spent an early birthday giftcard buying myself a pretty dress, but I felt a lot of buyers guilt. It's weird how spending on certain things makes me feel different than other things.

Tomorrow I'm planning on returning to work, although I'm not sure the weather will be letting up in time. I'll probably end up driving in the morning going like 40 down the interstate...but whatever. I would feel guilty staying home another day.


Jan. 31st, 2016 01:55 pm
ameliar: (Default)
Today we went to church. This weekend has been pretty dull in general. I was going to go to a hockey game last night, but I forgot. The book I'm reading got scary, so I haven't been reading it as often as I did in the start. I went grocery shopping yesterday, but I didn't buy anything in particular for meals, hmm. I learned about the game "Agricola" yesterday. I'm super pumped to play it sometime with my friends.

I'm not really sure how I'll spend the rest of the day. Probably I'll do a Russian lesson, watch some Netflix, maybe read more or that scary book (It's only scary because it has creepy aliens) and I kinda maybe might cook or at least watch some sort of cooking tutorial. I'm in the mood for sewing but I dont have any fabric, and it's so expensive to buy apparel fabric. The kind of stuff I like on Spoonflower is like $50 for 2 yards. :/

But my birthday is coming up so we'll see. I still haven't had the opportunity to wear the dress I made because it's been too cold outside. There's supposed to be a blizzard this week. I'm really not looking forward to it. I might have to work from home and I feel really awkward about that. Then again there is no way we're ever moving into the city. I love it exactly where I am - even if it means a long commute.

Today at church Drew asked if I play my double bass for fun. I said yes, but in reality, I don't play it very often. I guess it wouldn't hurt if I played a little. I should do it right now. Just get it over with.


Jan. 27th, 2016 07:17 pm
ameliar: (Default)
I'm feeling a little bit better today. I had a long cry yesterday and it seemed to unload a lot of the negativity I had been carrying. At work we talked about other jobs we had seen and frustrations we had with the company. It was nice to be reassured that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

It's difficult to know what to do about it. I really like where I live, but there's a lot of neat jobs in other places. The important thing though is that I understand that every job is going to be a job. Nothing's perfect.

On Facebook I saw some quote or something that said "Dont waste your 20's thinking that you're supposed to have it all together" or something like that. I'm actually too lazy to look.

I guess I'll read my book now.


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